Good heavens, boys and girls. 2010 is just around the corner. In about 7 hours, I will make a New Year’s resolution to lose some weight and exercise more. And I will also resolve to walk around the barnyard more because…well…that’s when all the critters want to yak about their favorite politicos! It’s just fun, boys and girls. Thank goodness a good pal of mine gave me a beautiful set of waders this year. If I’m going to wade through all this crap, my tootsies are in need of powerful protection…

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions: I was recently tooling around the barnyard and heard something positively astounding from one of the residents. It seems the three-headed Park Pork, which has the ability to tell people what the Porkster thinks they want to hear, has made a New Year’s solution of its own. Seems Park Pork scratched something on the back of a package of bacon bits. And here it is for your edification and consideration:

“I, the self-important and self-aggrandized Park Pork, do hereby resolve for 2010 to dally and deceive. To pull the wool over the barnyard residents’ eyes and make everyone think they are getting something for their money. I will constantly and regularly dip my hoof in barnyarders’ pockets, extract what I need and make sure the only thing left behind is a trace of lint. I am Park Pork, and my will shall prevail over the voice of reason and common sense.”

Wow, boys and girls. What eggs that one has!

You see, a long time ago the Porkster came to the conclusion that sheep are the most common animal in the barnyard. This is kinda funny if you think about the profuse language of the Porkster since I have rarely seen sheep with pockets since they get sheared regularly. But the Porkster is definitely an animal of a different breed and one not without its vices.

We all know that Park Pork will do anything to support his cronies at the golden trough and what the Porkster has in mind is a grand fleecing of epic proportions. You see, boys and girls, the Porkster realizes it is becoming harder now that the barnyard has the second highest rate of foreclosure in the realm. So, as the little piggies and sheepies drift away, the Porkster has become mightily alarmed.

“Whatever will I do,” the Porkster wailed. “I have made so many promises to the people who are keeping me in power, I have to reward them in some way.” And then he came up with a solution. “I will use the successful ‘Chicken Little’ strategy. I will ask our kind-hearted barnyard voters to DeSpruce our Capital Construction Office.” Then a sinister smile spread across his snout. “That way, more money can be thrown at my buds and the golden trough, and the Capital Construction Office can raise its rates for the barnyard ingrates as high as it pleases when someone wants to scratch in the dirt. Carpe diem, and let the barnyard beware. This is so perfect, and the dumb animals in the barnyard won’t know what hit ‘em.”

You can imagine it isn’t sitting very well in the barnyard. “That rump roast is asking people who have little to spare to give their last ounce of blood,” said Vinnie the Vulture.

“We oughta hang him by his ham hocks,” lawyer Talk Turkey replied. “I believe that is still legal in the barnyard square.”

The moral of the story: If you choose to cruise in light of this news, you will certainly lose and have the blues.